Top 10 Jobs for Lazy People

I apologize for falling behind in posting on my blog but as you've probably not missed me I won't spend a hell of a lot of time doing it. In fact, let's just say I'm done right now.

So, this month I'm tackling a topic I think all of us have thought of from time to time -- what is the absolute least I can ever do and still make a living? In other words, if you're too lazy to get your ass off the couch and look for a job (like the other 50,000,000 people who are on welfare thanks to our beloved president (Obama) and the dorks and dweebs in both the Senate and Congress (yes, I'm talking about Reid AND Boehner), this topic might interest you a bit.

If you want to hear me talk about this topic (which I personally think is much better than actually reading a column, you can go to the following link: http://youtu.be/g248O0xSwek

But, just incase you're deaf or you really are so lazy you can't find it in yourself to actually click on a hyper-link, here's what I say in the video (minus the gut-busting pictures!

Hello everyone out there in Internet Land!

Before I begin I’d like to give a special SHOUT OUT to the Pakistani government officials for being such communist assholes as to not allow its citizens to access YouTube! I know, I know… you probably don’t want your population to be corrupted by moronic cretins like me but, seriously, lighten people… it’s not like if your population got wind of what others are doing outside of your own country they’d want to leave… would they?

Hmmm… believe me… if someone is convinced to join us in the Old U.S.A. by watching Miley Cyrus twerk or Elijah Cummings sqawk about Darrel Issa being ‘a big, bad meany’… I promise you… you don’t have to worry about anyone being able to actually view Youtube because they don’t have two brain cells to rub together.

Okay, enough of this political banter. This is your host, Twelve Inch Richard, back for more observation’s on the human condition that probably no one but me cares about… then again, I could be wrong because YOU … ARE… watching this video.

Today I bring you the Top 10 Jobs for Lazy People!

Just so you don’t get incredibly bored, because I know lazy people often get bored… that’s why they are called LAZY, I’m going to jump right into the list.

The first on the list is being a... Ticket Taker!

A ticket taker gets to sit in a comfy chair, the only thing he or she has to do is move their hands and adjust their ass a bit every few minutes to ward off sores. They don’t even have to smile and they can do it while being drunk. Don’t believe me… then you haven’t been to enough carnivals.

Second on my list for people who are lazy and might want to go through life with a buzz is the…Professional Beer or wine Tester!

Speaking of being drunk while doing your job, believe it or not there were over 500 professional beer or wine testers the last time I looked. Not that I’ve ever considered taking one of those jobs. I job the love I here have!

Okay, now the this third job might actually seem like a bunch of work but I promise you it isn’t. You can get paid by …Acting Like a Dead Person on a Television Show!

The GREAT thing about this job is two-fold: 1) You get to lay around and still get paid between $16 and $30 and hour… depending on which area of the company you’re pretending to be dead in and 2) You don’t even have to look good… hell you’re a corpse and will be so painted up that no one will be able to tell who you are anyway. And, with the glut of Zombie movies and shows being made who knows, maybe you and your spouse or significant other can take turns wandering around growling and still be able to pay your rent!

For the ultimate in lazy you can always become a… Professional Sleeper!

No joke. Hotels actually pay people to come and sleep in their rooms and then write about their experience. They want to know about noise level, general temperature and the comfort of their mattresses. Sure it only pays around $20,000 but, hell, you’re getting paid to sleep!

Fifth on my list of the top 10 jobs for lazy people is becoming a… Professional Lab Rat!

I am completely serious! If you think you are unbreakable, invincible and otherwise unstoppable – in other words if you are an IDIOT you can sign-up on campuses of hospitals and universities around the country and earn around $3000 a month! No Joke! That’s 3 grand for doing things like going without sleep, testing potential allergens, taking the occasional hallucinogen or, maybe, just having your brain scanned after spending a week in Washington D.C..

Of course the downside to this type of ‘job’ is that you might, every now and then, have to take a drug that could stop your heart, cause seizures, erections that last more than 4 hours (but don’t worry, you can always call a handy 800 # if that happens) or might even kill you dead.

But hey… on the upside, you can probably make a lot of bank before your expiration date – especially if you contact some kind of horrible Bird-Monkey-Pig flu and then allow another set of ‘practitioners of medicine’ practice on your ass to see if they can prolong your misery a bit longer.

I’ve got to tell you, by this time in my list I was almost pulling at straws but then I came upon a way lazy people can make money and not have to pull on anything… including themselves.

You can become a… Sex Science and Sex Toy Consultant!

When I first heard about this I thought… someone has got to be pulling the wool over my leg (or whatever the appropriate tag line would be here). But, this is serious stuff my friend… real serious stuff.

If you and (sometimes) a partner are willing to try out jars of hemorrhoid creams, vaginal tighteners, anal bleachers, home enema systems, and, of course, a bunch of different dildos and vibrators you can lay back and enjoy an income in the range of somewhere around $15,000 and $30,000 a year. That is some MAJOR moola for just getting your rocks or you pebbles off (which ever the case may be).

So, if you are a man who is lonely college-aged student or a lonely grandma with nothing on your mind but pleasuring yourself or any age inbetween… remember… someone has to try out the butt creams and the oral pastes… why not you?

Seventh on my list almost got bumped by being a professional sleeper but I think that this one is even more lazy because while you might actually fall asleep doing it… no one would care. You can actually make money being a… Professional Snuggler!

Ok guys and gals, Jims and Sals… it’s time to put those PJ’s to work for something other than sleeping. The site I visited to find out about this profession shows a nice looking man and woman lying on a bed doing what you’d expect them to be doing… snuggling. Believe it or not… there is NO sex involved… just people craving human touch and companionship. And, apparently, it pays VERY well – from $60 - $90 an hour. Holy crap… what am I doing sitting behind a damn microphone getting paid squat when I could be spooning a beautiful woman?

Of course, there’s no guarantee you’ll get the most attractive people in the whole freakin city but who knows, maybe there are a lot of supermodels who just want to be held? As to how you become a professional snuggler or how you ‘scale’ your per hour fee I have no idea. I guess it depends on the type of positions you’re willing to get in, with whom your willing to snuggle (guy on guy, girl on girl, guy on girl, two girls and a pit bull and a guy, etc., etc.), what kind of perfumes or colognes you have access too (you know the kind that make you smell like ‘momma or daddy’ or the long-lost first cousin you used to lay with in the beach house when no one was around and with whom you shared your first tantalizing… wait… oh sorry about that… guess I was just daydreaming.

Forget what you just heard in that last sentence… hell I don’t even have a cousin and I hate tongues – uh colognes!

Okay, moving right along… we’ll go to number 8!

Urine Farmer! I’m not trying to tell you that you can grow your own organic pee… but you do have to find just the right urine if you’re going to sell it. The obvious question is: how do you know what type of pee you need to collect? Well, the answer should be quite obvious… since there is a law against hunting humans you probably don’t want to go to your neighbor’s house and say, “Pardon me Jack and Julie, would you mind pissing in this bucket so I can sell it to some freak with a fetish?”

No, no that wouldn’t do at all. Instead, go to Walmart or any sporting goods store or for that matter, quit listening to 12 Inch Richard, fire up your favorite search engine and look for ‘Hunting guides’ or some such. You’ll find all sorts of animals you’ll want to harvest pee from … everything from deer and moose and bison and even turkeys…

Don’t ask me how you get turkey pee but someone does it (maybe you put them in a little cage, make them drink a lot of water, drop the temperature by about 20 degrees for around 30 minutes and then make the little critters stand in a bucket of warm water… ahhhhhhhh… just watch the money stream into your hands (or, preferably, something like a turkey urinal).

Anyway… you can make up to $39,000 depending on the quality of the urine you bring to market – just don’t plan on being able to spend any of the money with someone you love because no one, with the exception of your friend the Professional Snuggler, will want to be around you!

We’re getting closer and closer to the ultimate in lazy jobs as we move to number 9 but this one takes the cake… actually cake doesn’t have anything to do with it but something that’s often combined with cake does…

Imagine getting paid for being an… Ice Cream Taster!

Again… I’m not joking. If you think about this type of job it’s one that actually makes a lot of sense. I’m serious. People get paid for all sorts of crazy shit but tasting ice cream to make certain it’s just as good as a company claims is brilliant. I know that when I go to the store to get my favorite (ass in a bucket blend of cold dairy product) I want to be assured that it’s going to taste just as good as it did the last time I added a bit of girth around my cheeks. So, if you LOVE ice cream and have a very discriminating pallet (that’s taste buds for those of you with an IQ low enough to have read what I've said thus far), go ahead, find a local ice cream company and offer your services. Hell, who knows, you could make upwards of $45,000 before your blood sugar spikes so high your eyes pop-out!

Oh, and if you happen to find an ice cream that really does taste like the 1980’s Marathon candy Bar… make sure you remember to drop old 12 Inch Richard a note.

And we’re finally to NUMERO UNO Oha (that’s number 10 for those of you who don’t speak fluent gibberish).

Breath odor Smellers!

Yes, honestly, there is such a thing! Toothpaste, mouthwash, gum and breath freshening companies of all types both employee people with a good snozola to help determine how bad breath is after a person rises from naps or an all-nighter on the town, after spices like garlic and onions are consumed and after beer or other alcoholic beverages have been drank. Normally they rate the breath of those they smell on a scale of one to ten (some only go as high as nine for some unknown reason) with 1 being the worst offenders.

So, if you’re not opposed to smelling someone skanky breath and you’re not afraid of catching a cold or some other virus this might just be the road to financial ease. Believe it or not… some of the best breath evaluators make upwards of $50,000 a year!

And, hey, after a good day of smelling the odorous cavities of others you can go home to your significant other and test our some of those sex toys!So, there you have it folks. The top 10 list of jobs for lazy people as compiled and rated by me… 12-Inch Richard!

Join me, 12 Inch Richard, next time for more inane prattling, inappropriate comments and stuff no one but me is probably interested in knowing!